Robert's Reflections
July 29, 2001

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What Can We Say?

Have you ever felt like something needed to be said, but did not know what to say? I believe we have all experienced  this when we visit the home of a bereaved friend or family member. You just stand there in silence feeling helpless .You want to find the words to explain why or perhaps, some word of comfort, but there are none.

Death has such a devastatingly profound effect upon all whom it touches, that we don't know how to deal with it. We know we all have an appointment. There will come a time when it is our time to pass beyond this place. This realization sobers the most immature among us.

So how are we to handle these situations:

Be quiet. Words aren't necessary at such times. And they won't help very much anyway. Sometimes people try to comfort by saying things like, "It was the Lord's will", or "They are so much better off." We must remember that. no matter how true they may be, these are statements of logic, at a time when the grieving person is in a highly charged emotional state, and is likely to resent or be hurt by such statements. Light humor sometimes helps break the tension, but woe to the person who is at all disrespectful to the feelings of the grieving family. As a rule one should speak softly and very little during these times.

Be thoughtful. How might I feel if this were happening to me? A word of caution. Since people are all different, they grieve differently, don't try to force your ideas of how to cope with grief upon someone else.

Be there. Just being present reassures a grieving person that they are not all alone, at a time when that is exactly how they feel. A gentle hug, a pat on the back, a warm handclasp are some ways we can be there for someone who needs us. Bringing food, and helping with any household chores are also wonderful and needed ways of being there. And don't forget them when the funeral is over. While we cannot do much to alleviate their suffering, we can do a little.

Robert