September 10 ,2000

Archive

Robert's Reflections

In March of this year, Faye and I took Christina to Montgomery for the Governor's Conference on Youth, Crime and Violence. There we heard the renowned family therapist, and writer, Dr. John Rosemond. He impressed me with his back to basics approach to raising children. Soon thereafter I was invited to speak in chapel at International Bible College. I used material gleaned from that seminar and from some of his books. As a result I have been asked to speak on the upcoming IBC Workshop with the topic, "Grandma's Advice: Raising Happy, Healthy Children". For the next few weeks, my article will- focus on the family (to coin a phrase), especially as pertains to raising children.

From birth, every child thinks that they are the center of the universe (all life revolves around me). Thus his parents exist to meet his slightest need, and believe me, the little darlings learn quickly how to take advantage of that situation. But around the age 21/2years the children are supposed to begin to face the way life really is. At least they are supposed to...

Over the last 40 years, so-called, "experts" have told us not to distress the child. We must build a strong self-esteem. We must make the child feel that (s)he is the most important person on earth....ad nausium. Further, we have been led to believe that we must be more and more involved in our children's lives. Parenting, as it is now called, has become very difficult and confusing. And we are all worried that our children wfll develop some emotional complex if the teacher corrects them or challenges them to excel in school. Have you noticed how disrespectful children have become? They are also selfish, materialistic, bored and inattentive. They have less chores and responsibilities than any group of children in any culture at any time in modern history. And they are much less happy than children were 40 years ago.  There has to be a reason for all of this.

Up until about 40 years ago, parents tended to every need of their children up until about 2 years old, Then they began to help the child understand that things were about to change forever and for good.  Rosemond sums up those changes in three rules.

1. From this point an in our relationship, child of mine, you will pay much more attention to me than I will ever again, as general rule, give to you.

2. You will do as I say.

3. You will do what I say, not because of bribe, brutality, tjreat or persuasive explanation, You will do as I say because I say so. Period.

To put it mildly, this distresses the child. Because before this time there have been no rules to speak of. These rules go against the child's understanding of how the world is supposed to work. They often cause him to burst into fits of rage because, up till now, h has had every reason to believe that he ran the show and would do so forever. So the child screams in protest and tests the rules because he does not believe the parents can or will enforce them. He may pourt or shout. He might get depressed or destructive But don't be fooled. He will come around if you will hold your ground. This horrific time is know as "the terrible twos". By his or her third birthday the child will have accepted that the rules are here to stay. And though they will still shake the gate occasionally to see if it is still locked, they will settle into their new reality, and do just fine.

Rosemond says that these three rules are indispensable to the parent-child relationship. They are the foundation of the child's "disciple-ship" and  therefore, his or he  later success in every area of life.

Next week: "Raising Children is NOT Hard Work"

Robert