Robert's Reflections
November 19, 2000

Archive

Raising Children (Cont)

For the most part, today's parents feel they have to explain themselves to their children. Furthermore, they seem to believe that their explanations must be acceptable to their children.

As a result, parents take on persuasive, pleading and apologetic tones, as they try to explain their decisions. This approach implies that parents don't have the right to enforce a decision unless it can be supported by reasons other than the personal preference of the parents. It unplies that children understand the reasons. And it implies that children will agree with the reasons and ultimately the decision their parents have made. This is totally absurd!

This is not to say that parents should never give reasons to their children. Rather, parents should not try to reason with their children, and the difference is like night and day. Reasoning is the futile attempt to persuade a child that your point of view is valid. The truth is that our children will not understand an adult point of view until they are adults. No amount of words will help a child see from an adult point of view. Grandma used to say, "You'd argue the horns off a brass billy goat." There is no reasoning with a child about a parental decision the child does not like.

Now, if you want to explain yourself, then by all means do so. But do not make the mistake of expecting your child to agree. And when she/he doesn't, just say, "I'm not asking you to agree. I wouldn't agree with me either if I was your age. You have my permission to disagree, but you don't have permission to disobey."

In other words, the child does what he is told, not because you succeed at providing an explanation that smoothes his ruffled feathers, but simply because she/he's been told. They don't have to like it, agree with it, or feel good about it They just have do it! No arguments. No fussing or fighting. Just tell them your decision, and expect them to obey.